Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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