my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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