i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
