so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
