***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
