I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
