You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
