My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
