I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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