Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
