Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
