I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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