New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
