got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
