Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
