I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
being pregnant is like rehab
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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