god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
