It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
