Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
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She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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