so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
