you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
