i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
