Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
