Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
