The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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