I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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