i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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