can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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