Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
