i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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