i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
