after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
