dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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