WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Small penises have feelings too.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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