Jerry, you need to find god
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
