Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
