k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
