she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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