I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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