i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
