I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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