So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
