The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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