best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize