i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
