he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
