Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
