I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
