my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
