you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
