roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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