Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
