Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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