I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
