haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
