Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she peed on how many people?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
