I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
