That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
