I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
