I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
