And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Randomize
