never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
